Blame PMS.

I could not recall when was the last time this depression wave hit me. There are definitely some bad moments in life but not enough to make me feel this low-spirited. These few days, I've been thinking about all the possibilities. Why does this have to happen when I've finally stopped wishing for it? How cruel. Yet, it made me realise, how deep the problem is rooted, how hard it is for me to get over it whole.

Sometimes, i just don't get what the big deal is of some particular matter. Why do people need to make a fuss about just a tiny weeny thing. I wanted to yell out, but ending up in rage would not help. Can't you just leave me alone?! Yet, the more i think about all these, the more i get condemned. Maybe, it's just me being evil. Maybe it's an important matter after all. All the maybes...

Daddy called last night and grandma was beside him. I was delighted, thought that i would be able to talk to her much, about how I am, how studies are going, and that i will be going back soon to visit her again. To my dismay, she is now so deaf that she could not even hear a word from me through the phone. Although she kept answering "En en.", i knew that she couldn't hear me. Still, i tried to sound happy, not to make dad and grandma worry. Once the phone call ended, i burst into tears. I miss her so badly, and it's just hard for me to accept the fact that she's aging that much. Thank you Lord, she is still healthy.

The whole of last night was just bad. I managed to cheer up a little. However, lying in bed, having all thoughts running in my head, tears flooded my eyes, and I couldn't stop crying. I thought of going to Andrea. But then what should she do? Comfort me, tell me to stop crying? Just leave me there and cry out loud? Or, cry with me? Hah. In the end, I just have to go through it all by myself. So why bother someone else? And the next thing I could remember is that i woke up at 4ish. It wasn't a good sleep after all. But you know what, no matter how bad you feel at that particular time, thinking that it's the worst time ever, doubting that you'd be able to get over it, on the next day, you'll realise it wasn't that bad after all. So persevere in all circumstances =)



I hope it ends soon...